Time to head to church. Why am I dreading this? Just make it through the day, Trish. That's all you have to do.
It's Fast Sunday, but there's no way I can fast. I need to eat or drink something small about every two hours, just to keep the erruptable stomach threats down to a semi manageable state. I feel lousy. It's hard to even sit in Sacrament Meeting, so I wonder out to the lobby to sit on the couch.
Someone (I think it's Randy) comes by, notices my discomfort, and asks if he should find someone else to play the closing hymn. No, I'll make it through. That's my goal for the day, after all.
Darn! Dan isn't teaching Sunday School today. No offense to others, but I really appreciate his lessons. Ever have people in your life that you feel have learned the same lessons along the spiritual road path as you? Dan is one of those people in my life. I love his insights. Remember, you just have to survive, Trish. No high expectations today.
Relief Society time. Should I give up and go home? That would be easier, but I know I'm not in for the easier haul. Somewhat reluctantly, I stay. I'm intrigued because one of my dearest friends, Cindy, is teaching. Oh, how I love her! Seems I made the right decision.
She starts talking about unity, how we need to work and serve each other to become closer. Uh oh. Now, she's making the announcement about me. I agreed to it. I'm slightly terrified to hear this, but relieved too. No more secrets. No more not being able to discuss cancer more openly.
Embarassing though too. Why three times? What could I possibly learn this time that I was too dense to get the first two times? Why am I so stupid that I'm not getting it? Why the same thing again? Maybe if I took better care of my physical body, I wouldn't be facing this again. I'm really good at berrating myself.
Wait a minute, Trish. Here's a new thought. What possible misdeed could you have committed at 7 to earn the punishment of Hodgkins? How could you have possibly not taken care of your body enough to deserve this? Hmmm? Maybe it's time to let that one go, Trish.
Cindy has to leave her lesson momentarily because the bishop is at the door and needs her, so she goes. Another member of the presidency takes over without any hesitation, except to ask if there are any comments because she doesn't have the notes for the rest of the lesson. And Cindy's back in just a moment or two.
The interruption stops my mental bashing session. "Good! Are you paying full attention now? Finished?" a small voice seems to say in the back of my mind.
In absolute astonishment and amazement, I watch as my dear friend valiantly retries to teach the lesson that she's worked on for over a month, and then realizes it's not the right choice. Haltingly, voice breaking, she explains that there's someone in the bishop's office who's really struggling right now. He came to get her, found out she was teaching, and asked her to come as soon as her lesson was over. She realizes that if she's going to learn anything from her lesson, she needs to go give whatever assistance she can now--not when it might be more convenient or less unusual. And she walks out the door to serve. Wow! What an example! There's lots to be learned here.
If I'm really at the end of my rope, if a BMT really tests my coping skills to their outermost limits and I don't have any more to call on, I can call on others--lots of others. It's such a strong, actionable reminder of that.
The lesson concludes, and immediately there's Katie at my side. She's one of the other people in my life that seems to have learned the same lessons on life's path that I have. Her spiritual strength is so strong, it's tangible to me. I can feel it. Her comments speak directly to my spirit. We need people like this in our lives. If only she knew how weak and stupid I feel for not getting the right lessons during the last two occurrences. What's this? Hold on. What is she saying?
Something about how much she admires my strength and my faith. Huh? I voice my concerns that I'm feeling too stupid to get it, and one of MY beacons turns to me and says, "No, that's not true. Maybe we're all supposed to learn something from you. You are one of my heroes, Trish."
Really? Suddenly, all of the guilt and fear and doubt and darkness lifts. There's hope and faith and light again. If one of my pillars occasionally looks to me, I can let go of this stupidness. I can be strong for her and for others. And if I'm not feeling strong at any particular time, I can call on others to fill that momentary void.
My world makes sense again. I get it. I heard, Heavenly Father. Thank you, for making it so obvious that I can't deny it. A great burden has been lifted today. Wow!
I'm so glad the darkness is gone. Now I can enjoy celebrating Father's Day with Dale and the kids today. Yay Dale! Yay team!
And to top off the day, Sandi and her family come visiting that evening. How fun! I love visitors. What's my favorite cookie flavor? Probably good old chocolate chip. They look disappointed. Shoot. Maybe I should wait before answering next time. Ginger snaps? They made ginger snaps for us. Wonderful. Dale's favorite. You know what? The ginger really helps my stomach. Perfect choice. Thank you.
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