The weeks continue to pass. That's a good thing, but hard too. I have good days when I have a little more energy and can actually accomplish something other than trying to hold down three bites of solid food.
However, if I've being brutally honest, I have more bad days now than ever before. I just feel sick. Sick to my stomach, pain deep in my bones that continually escalates throughout the day and only narcotics touch it (which I hate taking).
Worst thing? I'm realizing that in a very real way this battle with cancer has somewhat changed me. I'm generally a very optimistic person, full of hope and plans for the future. A recent blessing said "I was blessed with a happy heart and optimistic spirit, and those gifts will serve me well throughout the trials of cancer."
So what's the problem, Trish? The problem is that, with all of the past three occurrences of cancer, I've fought hard in my war against cancer. I knew it wasn't going to beat me, so I put all of my hope and faith into the battle and KNEW I would beat it.
This time? I know I will beat it again. I do. I've been given that assurance several times. So what's different? Why do I end almost every day in tears? Because, darn it, this time I know with equal assurity that this is not my last battle with Hodgkins. It's going to come back. So why fight so hard only to end up in the same place? I'm really struggling with that idea this time. I feel like I've lost some innocence or hope or faith or something, and I don't like it. This is not who I'm used to being, but it is the new me.
A blessing promised that this treatment would far exceed all expectations. Silly me. I was thinking that it meant that I wouldn't need very many doses of chemo, that it would work extremely quickly, or that I wouldn't be troubled with side effects, or something easier this time. Nope, nope, and nope. So I'm assuming that specific promise applies to the length of time that the cancer will stay away this time. Dr. Wendy is betting on about a 3 year window, so I'm hoping for at least 7-10 years before it comes back and probably, finally kills this weakened body of mine. Stay tuned.
In the meantime, today is my 45th birthday. And where do I get to spend part of it? At the imaging center for a CAT/CT scan to see if there's any measurable progress. The last report said the biggest tumor was shrinking somewhat, but the other seven places hadn't been touched. I hope this scan shows more positive results.
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