Sunday, June 19, 2011

This is not going to be a fun day.

Happy Father's Day, beloved companion. I hope you know how much I love you without an outward display. I haven't had time with all the medical things to plan a proper celebration for you. I promise I'll make it up to you in. . .two weeks? Oh good.

It's not like I want to keep everything secret from everyone else. But how do you retract the C word once it's out there? We don't have the final diagnosis yet, even though Dale received his own confirmation. There's just no way I want to walk around to my friends and neighbors saying, "Just kidding."

So, brave face day, Trish. You can melt down a little while playing the Sacrament Hymn and look at Dale and see him melting too. It's okay. No one really knows why. You can do this.

Oh and a wonderful lesson in Sunday School about walking in each other's shoes. Well, no one wants my shoes. That's for sure! But Christ has walked in mine. He's felt everything: the fear, the abject terror, the loneliness--all of it! It's true. I know that intellectually and even on a deeper level. I'm just having a hard time connecting to it emotionally today.

I believe Sis. Terry served her mission in Lansing, Michigan partly just for me--so I would know that Heavenly Father knows that even that detail some twenty years ago or so was thought of and would bring me comfort that He knows and He's there. I'm not alone. Coincidence? I think not.

Maybe I'm in denial. Maybe I'm just scared. I'm not sure. This just seems huge and overwhelming. Sure, given my history, I kind of expected Hodgkins to come back. It really seems to like my body, but I thought I'd have another 30 years or so. Time to grow again, Trish.

Now I get to teach Relief Society. Thankfully, it's an easy and safe subject, Talents. I know there are lots of women who feel like they have none, but that's garbage. The talents I've appreciated most in my life are those that aren't seen physically but are felt or applied differently: humor, feeling love, an understanding ear and heart. If I can get that point across while holding other emotions in check, I will have succeeded.