January 2012--a few weeks later

A few weeks after my eye appointment, I received an issue of the Cure magazine. It's designed for cancer survivors and their caregivers. Almost immediately, the message from the editor caught my eye, entitled "New research, discoveries in Hodgkin lymphoma."

Allow me to ramble for a moment. Things have sure changed in my 36 years of dealing with cancer! When I was 7, it was called Hodgkin's Lymphoma. It seemed to be called Hodgkins lymphoma about 4 years ago, and now it's called Hodgkin lymphoma. If I sneak that 's' onto Hodgkins, you'll know why.

Anyway, back to the article. I was astounded to read that Hodgkins was one of the first cancers to be treated successfully, and it's the principles learned from treating Hodgkins that all modern cancer treatments are based on.

Hodgkin's initial cures can be traced back to WWI. That's when troops were first exposed to nitrogen mustard gas and began developing symptoms of marrow and lymphatic suppression. So researchers wondered what effect nitrogen mustard would have on lymphatic cancers--such as Hodgkins. And it worked pretty well! By the mid-1960s, MOPP (mustargen [nitrogen mustard], Oncovin [vincristine], procarbazine, and prednisone) increased the success rate in treating Hodgkins from about 20% to 80%!

Along I come, in 1973, and MOPP and radiation are still the standard treatment for Hodgkins, so that's what I'm exposed to.

Suddenly, facts are becoming even clearer for me.

No wonder my body is so screwed up! No wonder I'm dealing with such an extensive list of ongoing, chronic issues. My body was pumped full of nitrogen mustard--that terrible nerve gas that was used in WWI.

That realization is just adding to my slight depression in trying to recover from the bone marrow transplant. I'm so tired. I wish I could just go to sleep and sleep long enough for it all to go away. It seems like too much to recover from.

In fact, if I'm being honest, sometimes it seems a lot harder to fight to keep living than it would be to give up. And, I've prayed more than once, if it be Heavenly Father's will, that I be released from this life and be allowed to come home again. Alas, and thankfully--at the same time--it's not His will yet.