So I feel disheartened, probably almost to the point of being clinically depressed. It seems like there are too many effects from fighting cancer and being alive. Why am I still here after 3 rounds of cancer when some people get cancer once and they're gone just a short time later? I'm trapped in a small pity party and am grasping for the light again.
It's Fast Sunday. As I'm pondering what hymns to play as prelude, I'm moved to play through several Sacrament Hymns. Why not? What could be more appropriate as a base for our testimonies than to remember the sacrifice of our Savior and His Atonement!
As I play, I'm silently singing the words to myself, and thinking about the Atonement in general.
It was our Stake's focus for all of 2011, so there's been lots of information on the subject presented in various meetings for the past twelve months. That's what I'm contemplating as I'm playing the prelude.
I know the Atonement can heal us spiritually. I know what a relief and joy it is to feel clean again after repenting and feeling the Savior's forgiveness. All of the former despair is washed away and the world seems brighter, the colors seem clearer. What a blessing!
I also know that the Atonement can heal us emotionally. Mental and emotional ugly black slashes, either deliberately or accidentally burned through our psyches, can be smoothed over; and we can feel and find worth and joy and love. I've found peace in that part of the Atonement as well.
So why does life seem so hard right now? The Atonement can cure any and every part of our life.
Suddenly, the burden of the past few weeks is lifted, and there is life again. I guess I'm a little slower than most people because it's taken a year of discussion for all aspects of the Atonement to sink in.
Silly Trish! You've forgotten about the most apparent and obvious part of the Atonement--the promise of being resurrected. Sure, my body is ravaged by the effects of various cancer treatments. Sure, it's harder to breathe and move and work than it is for most people. But, and this is the part you lost sight of momentarily, IT WON'T BE LIKE THIS FOREVER!
I will be resurrected. Because of the Atonement, I will have a perfect body with a working heart and lungs and be able to run and do everything I want to without physical restrictions. I'll get to bear and raise children. Even that blessing is not denied because of our Savior's wonderful sacrifice.
The sense of hope that I've been missing for the last few weeks is back. I just needed to remember our Savior and ALL that He's done for us. I know I need to share this joy and the Spirit is really prompting me to get up in Sacrament Meeting, but I'm too emotional. This re-discovery is too new and raw, and I don't trust myself to be able to convey all of this in a way that will make sense to anyone else. No, I tell myself, it's better to listen to others' discoveries and truths now.
I spend all of Sunday School marveling at how good life is, how simple and yet profound the gospel is, and how much hope I feel now compared to how I felt at the beginning of the day.
Then, as Relief Society is almost at an end, I'm on my feet, stammering "Darn it. I'm supposed to get up now" as I feel like the Spirit is pushing me to a standing position.
It's okay. I can share these thoughts now, hopefully, in a way that will inspire someone else and make their burdens lighter.
How Great Thou Art!
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