Uh Oh!

So what's bigger than a war? All the words that come to my mind aren't grand enough.

The first time I had cancer as a 7 year-old, there weren't colors associated with each type of cancer, so I fought a fight and won!

By the time I was 40 and had Hodgkins lymphoma the second time, violet was assigned as its official cancer color. So I fought a purple battle and won!

About 22 months later, when Hodgkins was back for a third go around, my fight seemed bigger than just a fight or a battle, so it became a purple war, and I won!

Today, about 11 months after the bone marrow transplant for that previous war, I was told by Dr. Wendy, my oncologist, that if she was a betting woman, Hodgkins is back for yet another round.

So what's bigger than a war? An assault? A strike force? An epoch? Nothing seems big enough.

We don't have any test results yet, just a few enlarged lymph nodes that showed up on a routine CAT (or CT) scan. I know they're there. I've felt them for the last six weeks or so--even pointed them out to my primary physician and to Dr. Wendy. Both times I was told that either they couldn't feel anything or it didn't feel like lymph nodes, so I was told just to watch the area. I knew the CT was coming, so I waited. And I made sure to tell the tech on Friday to draw the radiologist's attention to the area.

It's a definite danger sign when the first words out of your oncologist's mouth on a routine follow-up visit are, "Have you been pouring fertilizer into your lymph nodes? This doesn't look good."

So, now we wait for the insurance company (new to us as of July 1st) to give approval for a PET scan (a more glorified CT scan with an accompanying injection of radioactive sugar because cancer loves sugar and will digest that radioactive sugar faster than normal tissue), and then wait for the U of U to squeeze me into their schedule.

Assuming the lymph nodes in the right inguinal area (It switched sides this time. Tricky stuff, that cancer!) light up the CT screen like Dr. Wendy thinks they will but only that one area lights up, then we'll do a needle biopsy ("Just to make sure that it's still Hodgkins lymphoma and hasn't morphed into another type of lymphoma by now.").

Assuming the needle biopsy shows Hodgkins lymphoma for a freaky fourth time, we can treat the cancer with radiation only.

Dr. Wendy says, "And knowing your body, that will give us about a year before it comes back again. At that point, we'll use the new chemo drug that's just been approved for Hodgkins. Knowing your body, that will give us another 3-4 years before it comes back again (for the sixth time for anyone that's still counting occurrences). When we get to that point, we'll re-evaluate. We just have to be careful to consider all that your body has already been through and all that it will probably still go through. The temptation is to just treat the here and now occurrence, but we can't afford to do that with you. We need to have at least a five-year plan and be looking at what your body can still tolerate."

Lovely! What can I say to that?

I did ask her at what point do you just give up and quit fighting. And very passionately, with a pointed finger bobbing in my direction with every syllable, she said, "We are not at that point yet." I didn't mean today. I meant somewhere after that five-year battle plan she laid out. Just curious.

Oh, and maybe the definitive point today in all of this is when my beloved husband tells me that he had an impression about two weeks ago that the Hodgkins was back. He didn't tell me about it and didn't do anything with it because he "just wasn't ready to deal with it again."

So, here is me being selfish.

Please pray and fast for me and with me this Sunday, August 5th. I know we can have faith enough to move mountains, so surely we can have faith enough to cure cancer in tiny little lymph nodes. And if that's not Heavenly Father's will at this time, then pray and fast that I and my family will have enough strength and peace to deal with everything that happens, that the tests can be scheduled and the results can come quickly, and that the doctors who are involved will be guided as to the correct course of action.

Please, please, please; and thanks, thanks, thanks!